Not that long ago, in a land not too far away, there lived a man named Leaping Larry.  Leaping Larry was different from all of his neighbors in the sleepy little town of Acropia for Leaping Larry had leprosy. 

Anytime poor, old Leaping Larry would go to the corner market for groceries, his leg would fall off while he was walking home.  Leaping Larry would pick up his fallen appendage off the ground, put it in his bag of groceries, and hop home on his one good leg.  This was how Leaping Larry got his name.

When the town children saw Larry Leaping home with his arms full of groceries and one of his legs sticking out of the bag, they would tease him and chant a mean and cruel limerick,

“Leaping Larry the Leper,
With hair like salt and pepper,
He went to the store,
Lost his leg on the floor,
And hopped home faster than a zephyr”

Leaping Larry worked for 40 years as a wooden toy maker until one incident ruined everything. One day a little girl found Leaping Larry's thumb in a dollhouse her mom had purchased from him.  Leaping Larry tried to apologize to the little girl and her mother, but they would hear nothing of it.  After the mother told the whole town about Leaping Larry's thumb in her little girl's dollhouse, no one in the town would shop at his store anymore. Leaping Larry was forced to close the old, little toy store that brought him so much joy. 

Luckily for Larry, he had a rich and eccentric uncle that passed away many years before. Leaping Larry's rich uncle left him an inheritance that would make even the wealthiest Kings blush.  Financially speaking, Leaping Larry had nothing to worry about, but money was the furthest thing from Leaping Larry’s mind.  All he wanted was to be happy.

Leaping Larry was constantly losing his appendages at the worst moments.  When he had to go to the bank to withdraw money from his account, his hand would fall to the floor when the teller handed him his money.  When he had to go to the bathroom, Leaping Larry would often leave his buttocks still sitting on the toilet seat, long after he had already gotten up.  In the shower, Leaping Larry’s hair would often fall right off of his head, and he had to catch it before it got sucked down the drain.  When Leaping Larry would use a tissue, he would always have to check and make sure that he didn’t throw away his nose that often fell off from the force of the sneeze.

One day Leaping Larry was walking home from the bank, and hoping that no one would notice that his knees had fallen off.  Leaping Larry had put his knees in his pockets to ensure that he would not lose them, but his legs would bend unnaturally inwards like a cat or a dog when he took a step.  On his way home, Leaping Larry heard cries for help coming from an old abandoned well that the town had not yet boarded up.  Leaping Larry ran to the well and looked down.  In the darkness, he could see a boy a few feet down.  The boy was just an arm's reach away, so Larry told the boy to be calm and that he would help him. 

Leaping Larry braced himself on the edge of the well and reached down towards the boy.  The boy took Leaping Larry’s arm and pulled himself upwards.  The first hard tug took Leaping Larry’s arm off at the shoulder, and the boy fell back down to the bottom of the well along with Leaping Larry’s lost appendage.  Eventually policemen and firemen arrived with their ladders and ropes and rescued the frightened, helpless boy.  They didn’t even bother to help Leaping Larry recover his arm, and he had to fish it out himself with a long stick after hours of futily trying.

As for Leaping Larry’s head, well you know what they say, if it wasn’t attached…

Leaping Larry woke up one morning, picked his head up off the pillow (after he had already gotten out of bed and walked half way across the room of course), and looked into the mirror.  Incorporating his head back onto his shoulders, Leaping Larry gazed at the gaunt, old figure staring back at him.  Cracks were forming all over his skin where his appendages often fell off.  Leaping Larry looked more like a broken egg on mischief night than a human.  It was time for Leaping Larry to take matters into his own hands…if they would stay attached that long.

After his morning breakfast, Leaping Larry headed out to the town’s hardware store.  Remembering back to the decades of taunts and teases from the townsfolk, Leaping Larry made a few purchases and rushed back home.  On the way home he lost an ear, an eyebrow and his big toe rattled around in his left shoe.  Placing the fallen body parts in with his purchases, Leaping Larry made it home and began his long, arduous work.

After a few hours, Leaping Larry looked in the mirror.  At the wrists, Leaping Larry had stapled his hands to his arms.  At the ankles, Leaping Larry had stapled his feet to his legs.  At his neck, Leaping Larry had stapled his head to his body.  At the waist, Leaping Larry had stapled his upper torso to his lower half.  Both of his ears, his eyebrows and even his nose were stapled with the shiny new staple gun Leaping Larry had brought home from the hardware store.  Any part that fell off before was now stapled together safely and securely. 

Gazing at his new self in the mirror, Leaping Larry looked more like Frankenstein’s monster than a human, but still he smiled.  No longer was Leaping Larry going to be losing his body parts.  No longer was Leaping Larry going to be the laughingstock of the Acropia.  Leaping Larry the Leper was now a man who wouldn’t fall apart.

The following day, Leaping Larry went to the doctors to get his annual examination.  Leaping Larry couldn’t wait to see the expression of the doctor’s face when he showed him that he would no longer be falling apart.  The evil, mean doctor paid no attention to poor Leaping Larry when it was his turn to get probed.  The doctor kept his eyes down on Leaping Larry’s medical chart the whole time and seemed to be reading from a script. 

The doctor told Leaping Larry that he might have brain cancer!

The inattentive doctor, not even noticing the new metallic appearance of his patient, sent Leaping Larry to the hospital to get an MRI.  Leaping Larry walked to the hospital, disappointed that the doctor did'nt observe his inventive solution to the lost limb problem.  Leaping Larry walked the entire way to the hospital without losing even one hair.  He was proud when he walked into the hospital waiting room and took a seat. 

After an hour or so, Leaping Larry was escorted to the giant machine that was going to tell him if he had cancer or not.  The nurses told Leaping Larry to lie down and the machine would do all the rest.   Leaping Larry was thrust headfirst into the darkness of the machine and all was silent for a few seconds.

When the machine thrummed to life, Leaping Larry started to feel funny.  It felt as if there was something pulling at the seams in his body.  Thinking it was his own imagination, Leaping Larry closed his eyes and fell asleep.  He didn’t even feel it when each of the staples were ripped out of his flesh by the strong magnetic force of the machine.

After the machine was completed, the nurse came back into the room and pulled Leaping Larry out of the darkness of the contraption.  Neither Leaping Larry nor the nurse realized that his new metallic seams were missing from his body.  Leaping Larry stood up from the table, and instantly his body fell to pieces. 

At the wrists, Leaping Larry’s hands had fallen off of his arms, which in turn fell off of his shoulders.  At the ankles, Leaping Larry’s feet had fallen off of his legs, which in turn fell off of his waist.  At his neck, Leaping Larry’s head had fallen off of his body.  At the waist, Leaping Larry’s upper torso had fallen off of his lower half.  Leaping Larry’s ears, eyebrows and nose tumbled off his head and onto the pile of parts on the floor.  Any part that was stapled before had now fallen off. 

Leaping Larry had literally fallen to pieces.

Everyone from the hospital was called into the room to see what had happened.  No one had realized that the only thing holding poor Leaping Larry together were the staples. There was nothing left of Leaping Larry except for a head resting on the table.  Leaping Larry looked back and forth from the doctors to the nurses, but no one could help. 

All of the doctors and all of the nurses, still couldn’t put poor Leaping Larry back together again.

Leaping Larry’s body was discarded by the hospital and discarded with the rest of the medical waste.  Leaping Larry the Leper, now not ever going to be leaping again, was taken back to his home where his head was placed on the couch.  Larry the Leper never had to worry again about the trivial things that came with owning a body.  He didn’t have to shower, he didn’t have to eat, he didn’t have to walk anywhere, and he didn’t have to buy clothes.  All Larry the Leper had to do now was watch television.

The next day, Leaping Larry received a phone call.  Knocking the receiver over with his tongue, Larry the Leper listened to what the caller had to say on the other end.

It was the doctors.  The MRI came back negative and Leaping Larry did not have brain cancer.

Larry the Leper, using his mouth, hung up the phone awkwardly and bounced back to the couch on his stub of a neck.  He tongued the remote to change the channel and leaned his head back against the soft cushioning of the couch.

No body.  No cancer.  No worries.

For the first time in his miserable life, Leaping Larry the Leper was happy.