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Manchester, New Hampshire

Manchester (aka ManchVegas) is the largest, filthiest and most crime-stricken city in the state of New Hampshire located along the banks of the Merrimack River. The impoverished city has a population of about 110,000 inbreeders, criminals, transients, drug addicts and a tiny pocket of normal people. In 2009 Manchester was ranked 13th out of the 100 best cities to live and launch an ethically-devoid business in the United States. Additionally, Manchester was voted as the second most tax friendly city in the United States, due to the fact that 98% of the population cannot figure out percentages. Also in 2009, Fibbers magazine ranked the Manchester area first on its list of "America's 100 Dirtiest Places to Live."

History

Headcooker Indians originally called the land Durtiskank, meaning "he who smells like death"—a reference to the Durtiskank Falls along the polluted Manchester river. In 1722, some guy settled beside some brook, later building a small hovel named Old Wino's Town that the even the Indians considered primitive. The town was originally part of Taxachusetts, but later seceded and became the deep south of the far north in 1741.

In 1807, another guy opened a water thingy to allow ships to passage through Durtiskank Falls. He envisioned here a great abyss of poverty and misery, "the Deep South of the Far North", just like similar settlements in what would be later known as the state of Maine. In 1809, Benji Butterface and others built the country’s first second-hand store, selling torn and stained clothing taken from the dead bodies of the Indians they killed to settle Manchester.

In 1838, the country’s longest dead-end street, Elm Street, was built on a bet. Benji Butterface lost a bet to John Tucker Throbinson as to what two plus two was. The loser had to build the most useless thing the two could think of, and Elm Street was born. In 1846, Manchester would become home to the largest band of opium-addicted transients and sexual predators in the world. Many current residents descend from these homeless gathers of trash and other rubbish they could sell to each other, not understanding how currency worked.

About Manchester, NH Manchester in the early 1900's

Manchester is nicknamed “The Ghetto of New England”, as well as the more recently coined "ManchVegas". In 1998, Manchester was named the "Number One Smelliest City in the East" by Ornery magazine. The New Hampshire Mall, on the fringe of Manchester's south side, is the city's main commerce center and generates over 50% of the city’s income by overcharging 75% of the local residents who cannot do math, and 30% of the non-local residents who are unable to read English. In 2001, the “Whatever the Current Telephone Company Is” Arena, which seats over 10,000 homeless and/or drug addicts, opened for non-major concerts and boring minor-league sporting events to make the residents feel as if they were a real city. Unknowing to the residents, every other major city mocks them for being so into minor league sports and pseudo-celebrity concerts.

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Geography and climate

While the city occupies a total area of 34.9 square miles (33.0 square miles of land and 1.9 square miles of water), only 45% of that land is livable. The other 55% is occupied by gangsters, drug dealers/addicts, sex offenders and transients, making the area around them uninhabitable. Manchester’s sewage system drains directly into the Merrimack River, which also suppies the city with its drinking water. Manchester has no water filtration or purification systems in place, so residents have to often boil their water before use on their dity metal spoons.

Manchester’s weather, which no meteorologist has been able to accurately predict, has only two seasons: winter and summer. In the winter, it is friggin’ cold. In the summer it is friggin’ hot. There are brief in-between periods of change that last only a few days or hours. At night, the city’s center is often warmer than the rest of the city due to the fact that all garbage is stored in underground tunnels for future generations to use. Precipitation is well-spread throughout the year, though summer is the wettest and stinkiest. Snowfall averages around 47 inches per season, but varies widely each year. However, no matter how little snow falls, the city is unable to maintain the city streets for safe travel.

Government

Manchester is incorporated as a hovel under the laws of the State of New Hampshire, and operates under a strong dictatorship form of government. The mayor serves as dictator, often declaring emancipation from the intelligent parts of the rest of the country. Mayor Banes, former high-school principal and all-around pain in the ass, once stated that Manchester should be a part of Canada, then quickly realized that he shouldn’t be mayor, resigned and performed seppuku upon himself.

Future Street Signs of Manchester, NH

Neighborhoods

In 2007, the city began a Neighborhood Detoxification program to "insure that our neighborhoods are vibrant, livable areas since these are the portions of the city where most of the residents spend their time living, playing, shopping and going to school." The purpose of this initiative was to foster vibrancy and redevelopment in the neighborhoods, and to restore the sense of neighborhood communities that had been overlooked in the city for some time. Unfortunately, it only attracted more criminals, drug-addicts and transients to the area. The program was considered the biggest waste of taxpayer money since Reagan’s “Star Wars” defense program. Since the initial investment, however, it is unclear how city government plans to implement similar programs throughout the city and most of the city is back to a state of disrepair.

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Demographics

Manchester's estimated 2009 population was 109,395, of which only 5% of the population held jobs and paid taxes. The rest of the population was on state assistance or committing crimes, such as selling drugs, robbing convenience stores or performing home invasions, to pay their bills. Around 85% of the population is white, 7.3% are Hispanic, 3.8% are African American, 2.4% are Asian American and the rest are either other races or illegal immigrants. Despite being only 15% of the population, the non-white population is blamed for 98% of the crimes by Manchester’s Caucasian population on WMUR’s (the local news channel) comments section of their website.

The median income for a household in the city was $4,774, and the median income for a family was $5,039. Males had a median income of $3,287 versus $2,584 for females. The per capita income for the city was $2,244. 96.6% of the population and 97.7% of families were below the poverty line.

Manchester Stab Off
Manchester's Annual Stab-Off

Culture

The nickname "ManchVegas" was derived from illegal gambling in local businesses during the late 1980s or early '90s. Many pizza shops and local bars had video poker machines that would pay out real money. The nickname was coined following a city-wide bust of these machines. It was then adopted as a lampoon of the city's limited entertainment opportunities. Recently the term has become a source of pride as the residents have no idea how dumb the nickname really is and have no idea how they are mocked by other cities and states in the area. Since the closure of the illegal gambling spots, many of the shops have converted to bodegas which cater to the drug-addicts, or they have turned into brothels with extremely sub-par prostitutes. Despite the lack of quality in the hookers, the area still attracts many visitors from other areas looking for a quick fix.

Manchester is the home of the Segue-Way, a two-wheeled, self-balancing electric vehicle designed as an assassination tool for former President, George Dubbya Bush. Unfortunately, the assassination attempt failed when the President fell off of the Segway and merely hurt himself, instead on being impaled upon it as originally intended.

Economy

Manchester is northern New England's largest city, and its metropolitan area is one of the fastest mold-growing cities in New England. Its economy has changed greatly, as less and less residents have actual jobs. In March 2009, the city declared the U.S. dollar to no longer be the currency for the city and instead switched to a system utilizing discarded cans and buttons from used clothing. The new economy of buttons and cans was unsuccessful, as only those transients with shopping carts were able to understand the complex conversion between dollars and the new system. The button and can system was quickly discarded by the general population in April, 2009. However, to this day, you can still see a few hundred of the local residents pushing their shopping carts in hopes that the stores will accept their buttons and cans as payment.

The Economy of Buttons and Cans

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Education

Public schools

While there exists a public school system in Manchester, it serves no purpose other than to babysit the unwanted children of drug-addict parents who spend the days cruising the alleyways of Manchester looking for cans to sell to the recycling center for a nickel.

Future

Manchester, NH once had a bright, shining future. Now all the future holds for the city is the hopes that more crackheads do not move to the area. If you are from Manchester, you should evacuate immediately! If you are not from Manchester, stay away. Stay far, far away! Manchester is the Black Plague of New England! You have been warned!